(carve the wall eye)

My brain is an adage scraped off the old stall. a trash vision. art once, perhaps, by the drunks but in the end just a line. just a foolish fucking line to kill the voice once and for all.

I met it once with fascination. with vigor that shook harder each day. rattled my bones and revelled in the pain of pronouncing each fucking moment again and again like it was really happening. like i had been there. seen it. known the depths with which dead men would sink to discover they'd lost it all before they could remember first opening their eyes.

And i might have.

I certainly tried.

But i've never known what it is to kill a man. to watch a young girl die and walk away unscathed for the cheap stumbling hours between the last goodnight and the time before the hangover decides to rear its screaming head and kick your fucking heart in one more time for the measure.

And again just for fuck's sake.

I only knew that i was rotting and all i could do to escape my own witless decay was mark it in the pages that only ever see the light of day when i feel inclined to mention that, 'yeah i wrote a book once. someday i'll finish the screenplay.'

And i just might if i could find a valid reason why.

Because i don't really give a shit about the prospect of money (though i think, sometimes, it might be nice to bear a pair of new jeans). i certainly never thought one bit about fame.

I just wanted to make a difference. to leave the slightest dent in any day other than my own. my mother's. my...

I wanted to grip a dying nerve and squeeze an earnest scream from those people who live day to day content enough in their own enterprises to not a give a damn that they're fucking killing the only precious piece of themselves.

To have some fucker read me and want to love recklessly even if, in the end, all they had to count on was their suffering indignities.

But now i worry that i'm too weak.

I'm tired. i'm uninspired. i'm my own self fucking parody.

And there's only so much more i can take before i grab the old straight razor and carve myself a new identity.