(with tired alms)

My brain is a crack in the old guard. an inchoate niche where dreams run faster than a hurricane through drunk and dying streets.

Where the fuck am i today?

Still rooted in the ambiguity of where my heart should lay it's weary head. nothing more. nothing less. same as last night only later on in the dumb series of my consequence.

I would like to do something more in the morning. i would like to wake up and realize i was righting the world, in my small way. i would like to say that i am happy with the pitfalls and the acmes that make these nights seem so astounding and the daybreaks so fucking dull. i would like a warm familiar body to lie down with and hold, lovingly.

I can hardly remember our last embrace. i know i was quivering. before everything went wrong (openly). before the ambiguous mixture of terror and rage and pensive understatements consumed me.

I was shaking.

Too many drinks. too much hope. too far gone to call it accurately. i know i held her as i always did...as if my life depended on it.

Not that it did. not that it does. at least not in the dramatic sense of ending it all so spitefully with bloodstains seeping in the ivory.

But earnest.

For all of my madness. for all of my stupidity i know i loved her wisely. and well. as well as i could because now i know i can love her more as i grow and i change into a man more than i've ever been before (one of the pitfalls of breaking the fuck apart).

There is a certain strength within me. one i've never fully reached. an unparalleled fury of nobility that's creeping into my bones as i write this.

I am a man.

I am becoming.

Because my regrets are not the best of me (though they are milestones). my best is my passion. my love. my stunted glory that will one day come forth hollering and raze the walls of my life to shreds.